Fri, 17 Mar 2006 19:37:22 GMT

everything sucks lately. uggh.

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 03:12:58 GMT

like all good things, my small glimpse of happiness has met its end.. i'm kinda bummed. but it's better this way.

Thu, 05 Jan 2006 19:35:28 GMT

happy new year

Sun, 04 Dec 2005 17:51:56 GMT

there's snow on the ground.
and for the first time in awhile,
i can actually say i'm happy.

Sat, 29 Oct 2005 02:33:15 GMT

So I'm back...

Everything started going downhill a few days after school ended this past summer. My grandma couldn't breathe one morning, and her doctor advised she go in the hospital. She seemed to be stablized, but had no idea where she was or anything. One time I visited her she was going on about the dentist. About 2 weeks after she was admitted, she had a stroke and went into a coma. She passed a week later.

By now we are in mid-July. The funeral was really tough on me, I've never been to one before that. Little did I know that less than two months later I would be sulking at the same funeral home.

The wake was on Saturday and Suday, and the burial was the next day, Monday. All of my family was here from all over. My grandpa seemed to be doing okay when we went back to his house after the repass at the Brownstone. How wrong we were. The following day, my hrandpa was admitted into the hospital, never to return to his house in Totowa again.

He had heart problems. His breathing was terrible. He had his good days and his bad days. After being in the hospital for about two weeks, he was sent to the Atrium for rehab. From there it was back and forth from the hospital for the next month. He started giving up, necuase he knew he'd never be well again. He decided to be put into Hospice around the time school started, and passed two days later.

It felt as if I was reliving this terrible nightmare. I never wanted to see a funeral home again and here I was, exactly 7 weeks later. It was so much harder this time. Not just for me, but for everyone.

I've been in this really deep depression this year (as far as school goes). Things aren't going well. I don't wanna be here anymore. I tell people that nothing is left for me in Wayne but they don't understand. They couldn't possibly understand. Now there are no ties here. Just a cemetery in Totowa where my grandparents rest beside one another.

School is frustrating me so much this year. My guidance counselor is going to fuck up my future, I swear. I'm almost failing Algebra and he's telling me to wait and see if my grade goes up. What the fuck?
Not to mention the fact that the only time I see my friends is during band. All of my classes are filled with mainly assholes or people who are already close. People think I'm strange becuase I'm so quiet. I just feel so uncomfortable in school. Like it's just not right. Bad karma or something, I dunno.

And then there's North Carolina. Yes, I really am moving. This has to work. It is the only thing I have left to hold on to. My little string of hope. I will be going there in 11 days, and I'm so excited.

Maybe things will get better...

Tue, 19 Jul 2005 00:38:13 GMT

i don't like wakes and funerals at all.
but the worst part is over.
rip grandma - 7/14/05

Sun, 17 Jul 2005 03:19:03 GMT

hi.
i don't believe in that friends only bullshit - there's really no one who irks me enough for that.
if you're just passing by, leave a comment.
if you know me or want to get to know me, add me.
simple enough?

Take away my pain, please hold on to me